Things that have made me cry in the last 24 hours

1. Ahi tuna – In an attempt to create a romantic atmosphere and simultaneously surprise and wow the Boo with my amazing cooking and undying love for him, I decided to cook him a gourmet meal for no reason at all. Seared ahi tuna steaks w/ homemade mango avocado salsa, brown rice, and asparagus, pinot noir and chocolate chip turtle cookies for dessert. (Yum, right? I know.) Well, he comes home acts slightly surprised (but mostly at the cost of the ahi) at which point I presume he hates it and this is clearly not the reaction I had in mind. I flee the room sobbing.

2. Avocado – Regaining my composure and am somewhat soothed by the Boo’s coddling and sincere encouragement that he was indeed pleasantly surprised and thought I was the greatest girlfriend in the world (no arguments here), I make my way back to the kitchen to finish up my salsa. I pull out the avocado and the Boo makes a comment of it not being ripe enough to use for a few days. Incredulous and heartbroken, I throw up my hands in failure and begin another cry…except this time, it’s an ugly cry. The Boo laughs and comforts, I sob and heave.

3. The evil cable man – Fast forward to the next morning. Around 9am I’m up with the Boo, sipping some Slim Fast and watching good ol Reeg and Ripa discuss ways to cut your electric bill in half when POOF they disappear. Black screen, silence, same story on every other of our 999 channels. WTF? Nonchalantly the Boo notes, “I bet they cut our cable.” “What?!? Why?!?!” I gasp in horror as I recount all of the multiple shows I had DVR-ed to entertain me during the day (Biggest Loser, Real Housewives of Orange County, Nip Tuck, Shot at Love, a couple wedding shows and a yoga episode. RIP.) “Yea, I haven’t paid it in awhile,” he shrugs. Well, fan-fucking-tastic. One 45 minute phone call later the Boo gets off the phone with the cable company to inform me that we have now been downgraded to EXTENDED CABLE and our DVR box is being repossessed…TODAY (ok, not repossessed but he had to take it back…same thing). (I’ll give you a minute for the gravity of that to set in.) Needless to say it took me all of .187 seconds before I realized what had happened and the tears ensued.

4. American Idol – Minutes later, the Boo informs me that not only have we lost our HD cable and box but that the cable company won’t be back to re-hook up our new cable or our old internet (that they had also cut) until TOMORROW AFTERNOON. Oh dear Lord, this means I won’t get to see the new American Idol Kansas City auditions! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! WAILING AND NASHING OF TEETH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. Brown Rice - I leave the house to clear my head and go for a run. Not two minutes after I’ve finished and begun my cool down stretching, slightly relieved and composure regained (Hey, there are worse things in life than losing cable, right?) the Boo calls to tell me to come home…immediately. The kitchen has flooded. “Someone” (whoops) has put brown rice down the garbage disposal and managed to do an excellent job of clogging it up and thus flooding the kitchen when attempting to use it. Wonderful. Do I need to tell you what comes next? (Side note: If a garbage disposal is not meant to grind food than what the hell is it there for? To grind LIQUID??? I think not. I mean, damn, it’s not like I’m shoving whole T-Bones and heads of lettuce down there. So what the F?)

6. Brown Rice Part 2 - The Boo and I (read: The Boo) take apart the pipes, clean out the rice, dry the floors, clean the sink and pat ourselves on the back for a job well done. Moments later, the sink fills up with disgusting pieces of day old food, crum and dirty water. Apparently this was not a DYI kinda job. (Bob Villa would be so ashamed.) We call the creepy Mexican maintenance man (who has been known to stalk me. Literally. Ie. He shows up at our apartment on multiple occasions whenever I’m home alone, attempting to open the door and get in, he follows me to the park when I run [ok this only happened once but still creepy,no?]) Cry because I don’t want to be left alone with the sexual predator. Creepy rapist maintenance man doesn’t come till the Boo is long gone at school. Stays for almost an hour. Scolds me for putting brown rice down the sink. (Um, you are not my father.) Tries to watch a movie with me. Awkwardly leaves.

7. Asia - Finally the day is drawing to a close. Dinner is done and we’re watching episodes of the Wire since we have no cable (sigh) and all of the sudden we hear a muffled heaving followed by a yacking sort of noise. Asia has blown chunks. On the carpet. Directly in front of the couch and the ottoman. It is orange and it stains. Cry.

8. 3 AM - Asia does it. Again! Good god when will this day end??

Oh yeah and somewhere in all of this I was called a cunt bag. By a total stranger.

Clearly, this was not my day.