Say What You Need to Say

There are moments in everyone’s life that resonant endlessly throughout your soul. Defining, life-altering, wake-the-fuck-up-calls that smack you across the face and smart with their sting.

The loss of a life, instantly, unexpectedly, is sadly one of those smacks.

Over the past two days I’ve caught myself obsessing over the fragility of life. How quickly it can be gone. How mortal we truly are. And how much we take it all for granted.

It’s times like these where you realize how naïve you’ve been all along. That that person whom you would give your life for may not be there tomorrow. That those you hold closest to your heart could be ripped from your grasp instantaneously. That life as you now know it could cease to exist.

And it is times like these that have forced me to take inventory of the things in my life that I am truly, utterly grateful for. My family, friends, and love of my life who have always without fail supported, encouraged and loved me unconditionally. It’s unfortunate that it takes such tragic events to awaken this sense of thankfulness but nevertheless it must be said.

Now.

To whomever you cherish in your life, tell them. Tell them that you love them and appreciate them and NEED them in your life. Even if you think you say it too much. Even if (especially if) you don’t say it enough. Tell them what they mean to you. Tell them.

Tell them.

Because you never know when they won’t be there to hear it. You just never know…

Friday's Food for Thought

“The unreal is more powerful than the real because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it's only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend? They can go on and on.”- Chuck Palahniuk

Spring Cleaning

With only 35 days till our glorious move, I’ve found my days becoming more and more consumed with boxes, tape, and ripped up phone book paper (Yea, I’m too cheap to buy newspaper just to crumple up and shove in a box and who the hell uses the phone book anyways? Not I. I call it being resourceful.)

As I’ve mentioned time and time again, I’m more than happy doing what most people hate (packing) because it serves as a constant reminder that our move is imminent and not just a fiction of my imagination. However, as the boxes are removed from storage and shuffled through and the contents under the bed and shoved in the corners of the closet see the light of day, I’ve realized something I’ve denied for quite some time.

I’m a pack rat.

There I said it. Although it’s kind of hard to deny when you’re pilfering through perfume boxes full of old high school graduation cards and shoe boxes of hand written notes from ages ago penned by a friend now turned mortal enemy. The mixed CDs of past exs, the wine corks of present man friend, the wrapping paper from a special present, the ticket stubs of every movie ever seen since the age of 9.

It’s getting a little out of hand.

But as I sat rereading old letters and discovering decade old Smirnoff Ice caps (yea, I was cool like that), I couldn’t help but think that the junk I’ve accumulated over the years is quite similarly paralleled to my own life.

That is to say, friendships that have been long over but no one can seem to relinquish, a size 4 figure that will inexorably never return, a maturation that moves me past silly games I’ll never play again. They’re still hanging around.

Question? (a la Dwight Shrute)

Why do we hold on to things? Why do we grasp desperately at the rapidly fraying rope of friendships past (to preserve a sense of stability and loyalty??) Why do we blindly disillusion ourselves into thinking we’ll ever look the way we did 10 years ago when in reality it’s physically impossible (to avoid tossing out the elusive skinny jeans that will never see the light of day on this ass again??) Why do we cart around board games from our elementary years that we know we’ll never play again (for sentimentalities sake??)

Whatever the reasoning (most of which are ludicrous in their very construction) I realized it was time to clean house both literally and figuratively. Time to get rid of the ghosts of the past lurking in the dark and claiming too much stake in my precious storage closets. Time to exorcise myself of the things I no longer need in my life. If I haven’t used it in a year, it’s gone. If we haven’t had a real, decent conversation in the last year, you’re out of here. If your name is not the Boo, then I don’t need your letters and gifts and shoe boxes of memories.

And I have to tell you, there’s something incredibly liberating about Spring Cleaning not only your house but also your life. A release that comes by ripping up things you once deemed important and tossing them for good. Heaving clothes and cards, games and gauchos, pens and promises out of your life and into the proverbial garbage bag. Because really, it’s called “trash” for a reason.

What junk (in your home and your life) are you holding on to??

Taming the Tortured Mind

I’ve found that in my recent years I’ve become severely inclined to anxiety attacks.

I’m talking heart pounding, cold sweats, hands shaking, feeling like I’m going to go absolutely insane type attacks and I don’t know why.

I can pinpoint the exact night it all began; close to a year ago, laying in my bed, after consuming one too many margaritas, and watching the minutes on the clock tick closer and closer to my impending workday at 7am. Breathing erratically, sweating profusely, feeling as if I was literally at the crux of death. It was hands down the worst night of my life.

And ever since then the panic seems to follow me. It’s not a consistent everyday sort of thing but it’s enough to make me hate that it ever developed.

I’m fully aware that the loss of a job, income, stability, (and sometimes sanity) can do that to a person…produce unwarranted reactions in the human mind but I can’t help but wonder why now? Why me?

I realize that much of it stems from stress. Worry and anxiety over the unknown. The problems that greet me with each new day and the ones that inevitably lie before me. I know that worrying does nothing. Solves nothing. It’s a clichéd piece of advice I toss out unknowingly on any given day when the Boo or a friend fall victim to the same reckless, raucous invasion of the mind.

How will I pay my bills this month? When will I finally have money to go to the doctor? Will it be too late by then? Will I ever find another job? Have I completely let down my family? Will I ever make new friends? Is this really going to work? Were four years of college a complete waste of time? Do I even have anything to offer? When will things get better? If ever?

So much to think about. So much to grapple with. And yet knowing the consequences of over taxation, I can’t seem to shut it all off. I can’t seem to just take a deep breath and know that things will be alright.

I tell the Boo over and over that they will be ok. That WE will be ok. But what if they don’t? What if we’re not?

How do you balance between the insanity of worry and the serenity of hope? How do you compartmentalize the realist emotions with the optimistic? Is the dichotomy betwixt the two nonnegotiable?

(And yes, I just said “betwixt”. Eff off. I’m flexing my contemplative, introspective muscles.)

Help me if you can cause this little heart of mine is racing.

Pondering Deep Thoughts ala Carrie Bradshaw

It’s no secret that I have expensive taste. I love expensive wine, expensive cheese, expensive shoes….

However I find myself more recently having to live vicariously through others in this regard as I am currently (still) unemployed and penny pinching has reared its ugly head as my newly acquired skill. GAY.

So in an effort to save a few dollars and still retain our togetherness and romance, the Boo and I decided that this week we should have date night at home. We set out with only one recipe (for Bleu cheese and shallot bread [which is amazing I might add]) in hand and ended up with much more. We wandered the aisles of Total Wine and perused various wines from across the globe before finally deciding on four bottles from various regions (all of which we had never tried.) We try to keep an open mind and sample as much as possible in our constant pursuit of wine aficionado status. (We’re getting there.)

Next we headed to our local Fresh Market to buy the tapas ingredients for our date night. On the menu: Havardi, Brie (my newest obsession), Gruyere, Bleu, and Mozzarella cheeses as well as an assortment of olives, the ingredients for homemade bruschetta and our own little salmon ahumado.

It was over sips of Zinfandel and bites of creamy Brie on crackers that it arose.

Boo: (Out of nowhere) How would you feel if I proposed to you and we didn’t exactly have all the money to have your dream wedding?

Me: (Suddenly all ears) What?!?!?!

Boo: (Sincerely..trust me I questioned it) Ya know. If I were to propose, sayyyyyy sometime this summer or fall and we didn’t have all the money for a huge fantasy wedding would you still want to marry me?

Me: (Trying to suppress a massively cheesy grin) Well…yes. Of course. All I want is to marry you.

Boo: (Still imploring) But you wouldn’t be upset if it wasn’t at ______ (the venue I wanted) or we couldn’t have the world’s best caterer and 200+ guests. Would you still want to?

Me: (Pause for contemplation and silent squeals of jubilation) Well babe all that really matters is that in the end I marry you. That’s all I want. I mean, obviously in my wildest dreams I would love to have everything perfect and extravagant because I only plan to get married once…but at the same time I wouldn’t ever want that to deter you from asking because you think my expectations are too high. And, and…I don’t want us to talk about it too much where it’s more like a business transaction and you feel forced to ask me by X date. I don’t want it to be like that. Just whenever you want to ask me…ask me.

Boo: (Smiling now) Oh trust me, you won’t know when or how I’m going to propose. I’ve already thought about it and you’ll have no idea. Don’t worry.

We ended the conversation discussing exactly what type of ring (cut and color) was acceptable and of course, he passed. But I couldn’t help but think that maybe I’m being too selfish.

It’s no secret that every girl has the fantasy of getting married at the perfect venue with the perfect dress, perfect flowers, perfect cake and of course, perfect man. It’s what we’re conditioned to mull over from age 3 when we see our first Lifetime movie. But at what point do we slowly let go of those dreams in lieu of the only thing that really truly matters? Being with the one you love…your soul mate??

At what point do the colorful bouquets, open bar, couture dress and insane guest list take a back seat? Because that’s what I can’t stop mulling over now. In the end, the only thing that matters is that I’m with him. Married to him. And while he’s guaranteed me that it won’t be a court house wedding, I still can’t help but set my expectations low as of this warning. Of course I want the fairy tale dress and the expensive venue but at what cost am I willing to give that up??

And then I look into those gorgeous blue eyes that know me so well and that enormous heart that accepts me, faults and all (and that’s A LOT) and I can’t possibly think of anything that could ever stop me. All that I want is to be with him…court house or not…couture or consignment…150 guests or 2...none of it matters…as long as I’m with him

Maybe I won’t need that slideshow after all….

A Little Perspective

Inspired by the lovely Miss Jacqueline’s post today, I decided to put a little perspective on my life. In case you’re too lazy to click the link and you’re not already reading her blog (which you should be. Shame on you.) today she made me think.

She explained that although her life may seem perfect to some it’s really just like anyone else’s (which I would still beg to differ because her home is way better designed than mine and she writes like a poet laureate but whatever). Then she mentioned something I’d long forgotten: that while life isn’t always perfect it’s all about “finding the perfect moments in an imperfect day” (or something like that) and it really got me thinking.

While her posts are largely positive and inspirational, mine tend to veer towards the more cynical, self-deprecating side and while I’m not proposing I change my voice or my personality (because I like that just the way they are thankyouverymuch) maybe a change in perspective might do me some good.

So in an effort to find the perfect moments in an imperfect day here’s what I chose.

Rather than being annoyed and angry that I woke up entirely too late to do anything productive this morning, instead I chose to be thankful for the extra rest and the gorgeous man that woke me up so lovingly as he does every day. Curled up behind me, whispering “good morning” and gently kissing my neck I knew it would be a good day.

Rather than being depressed from once again hearing the lines “We regret to inform you that we have decided to fill the position elsewhere”, instead I chose to be more aggressive in my job search and realize that if I didn’t get that particular job there must be a better one out there for me somewhere.

Rather than being lazy and not working out because I’m not seeing the results I want, instead I chose to work out even harder than the day before. As long as I stay tenacious in my pursuit eventually I will get where I want to be.

Rather than being negative about the heat returning so soon, instead I chose to plan a gorgeous weekend in the sun so I can fully enjoy its return.

Rather than comparing my writing to others and feeling intimidated or inadequate, instead I chose to embrace who I am, the way I write, and all the flaws that comprise it.

I have found the perfect parts in what is categorically an imperfect day. What have you found?

Rain and Realizations

Today has been one of those wonderful days. Started off a little slow (and albeit, annoying, particularly if you know my stance on indecisiveness) but progressed nicely into one of those great, amazing days.

You know those days when everything just seems right? Conversation (and drinks) flow freely. You’re blessed with the company of an amazing man and able for just a moment to shirk off the stresses of daily life and just be. Just enjoy the one you’re with, where you’re at. And ultimately realize that damn, you’ve got it pretty good?

Well today was one of those days.

The Boo and I relished in our lazy Sunday off. The rain fell just steadily enough to provide justification for the lazy self-indulgence that only it can provide. Sushi and drinks for lunch was followed by our first viewing of Twilight (more on that later) and then a romantic dinner at Bonefish over wine and candlelight.

It’s days like these that I realize what a great man I’ve found. How truly wonderful he is. Although he has his flaws (as does anyone) I’ve realized that I love those imperfections just as much (if not more) than the obvious perfections.

(Ok, maybe he’s not perfect but he’s pretty freakin close.)

Feeling his hand on my leg as we watch our newest shared guilty pleasure. (BTW…nothing is more amazing than discussing film discrepancies that deviated from the text of your favorite vampire series than with the love of your life. It will truly solidify your bond. Trust me.) Staring into his eyes as we discuss our future life together. Realizing that this is the best thing that’s ever happened to you. It’s enough to make the butterflies from the first few dates reawaken.

I know I write about the Boo a lot and I’m sorry if it gets redundant at times. (Actually, I’m not really. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. Whatevs.) But I do it for a reason. He is my rock. He is my best friend. He is the only person I can ever picture myself with (and ever want to be with) for the rest of my life.

As Bella would say, “I dream of being with [him] forever.”

And I plan on doing just that.

Uncensored

Ever feel like there are things you want to say? Need to say or even HAVE to say? But for some reason or another you don’t (or you don’t enough). Life gets in the way. Feelings must be remembered and accounted for. Relationships must be coddled and in some cases, opinions must be squelched.

I read something somewhere that utilized this idea. (I feel awful that I can’t remember and if/when I do I promise I will link it.) Basically, they used their blog as a forum to say things to certain people in their life but without mentioning any names or clarification. It seemed extremely cathartic and I couldn’t resist the chance to do it myself. So, with that being said…

“Enough with the pretending. You can’t please everyone and in your attempt to do so you’re simply isolating the only real friend you’ve ever had. Just be real for once so things can go back to normal. Please.”

“He cheated on you. And besides that he’s not good enough for you. Never was.”

“Your mother can not support you forever. You’re a grown ass man. Get a job and keep it for once. It’s not that hard.”

“You are hands down the most inspiring person I know. I could never begin to comprehend the things that you’ve done and been through and yet survived so gracefully. You are truly my hero and I love you.”

“You are a never-ending parade of drama. Stop it. Just stop. All of it. It’s too much.”

“You are my everything. Period. And I think I would miss you even if we’d never met.”

“I miss you and I hate that our memories have been stalled because of distance. Just know that you will always be my soul mate.”

“Sorry sweetie but those skinny jeans are truly hideous.”

“All the crying used to bother me but now I realize why you did it. You really are truly great and although we’ve had our differences in the past I will never take you for granted again. I swear.”

“I love and miss you both and would do absolutely anything for either of you. No questions asked.”

Phew. I feel better now. Maybe you should go try it. Yea, you!



**Don't try and guess what goes to who. That would completely defeat the purpose and I won't tell. So just give it up! And if you really know me then you should be able to figure some of them out.