Chalk It Up to Another Awkward Moment

So today I decided that I was tired of sitting around the house all day every day and the Boo suggested I accompany him to his classes at the University this afternoon.

I was enticed by the opportunity to see something new and be around other intellectuals so of course I went.

I was able to sit in on his first class as it was held in an auditorium however the second took place in a tiny standing room only type room in which, of course, I could not accompany. As it was a nice day out and I had a substantial size book with me to keep me occupied I opted to sit out in the open courtyard while the Boo went to his second and final class of the day.

Within exactly 4 minutes of the Boo leaving my side, whilst already deeply engrossed in my book, I see a tall, lanky, somewhat creepy lurker come stalking up in my periph.

Trying to ignore him I continue reading until I’m forced to face the reality that yes, this societal reject is indeed approaching me but, not only that, he’s standing right on top of me, glaring down, awaiting my acknowledgement.

Me: (smiling and simultaneously praying this freak isn’t about to mug me, I nod ‘Hello’)

Freak: (to say he did this awkwardly would be like saying Edward Cullen is only slightly attractive in a fictional way) Ummm…errrr…hi. Do you have the time?

Me: (contemplating telling the Freak that I don’t have it but then realize that my Blackberry is in plain view of his scorching eyesight so I oblige) Uh…it’s 4:39. (Kthnxgoaway)

Freak: (eyes opening wide and creepy rapist smile spreading across face) 4:30 huh?

Me: Umm..no…(beginning to correct him but then realize he was never interested in the time in the first place. Begin to feel uncomfortable and search for nearest escape routes.)

Freak: (sweating profusely and eyes widening in derangement) You’re VERY pretty.

Me: (awkwardly) Uhh…thank you. (forced smile. “Please go away. Please go away.”)

Freak: I’ve been watching you for awhile. (Pause while I listen in horror.) From over there. (Pointing to a covered location within sight of my current perch.)

Me: (wondering if anyone will be able to hear me if I scream “RAPE”) Oh...thanks but I have a boyfriend.

Freak: (fidgeting and not completely grasping the concept of ‘taken’ as he reaches deep in his old fashioned straight legged, too short Levi Strauss blue jeans to retrieve an old bent up business card and in attempting to hand it to me) Can I get your number? I’m single now!

Me: (Wait! What?!?! NOW!?!?! You HAD a girlfriend and now you’re suddenly single?!?! God, I hope someone can hear me. I’m only 23. I’m too young to die.) Umm sorry but I’m with someone. (DUH!!!!!!! HELLO!!!! Did you just not hear me?!? Move along!)

Freak: (shuffling slowly away and mumbling awkwardly) Yea, I know. I saw.

Me: (Wait. What?!?!?! You saw me with my boyfriend the whole time and just waited for his departure to try and sweep in and charm me off my feet? Sorry slugger. Mission FAILED. Run along now.)

Freak: (quietly and almost incomprehensibly as he walks slowly past me) I don’t know what it’d be like to be single.

(In which I think he meant to say “I don’t know why I thought someone like you would be single” because clearly he was single. Clearly. [And I say that in the most un-narcissistic way, I assure you. The man was a creep. And slightly disturbed.])

And to prove that conclusion further, he slowly walked one way past me after trailing off his parting lines to me but only made it about 6 steps before turning in a circle (directly in front of me) and trotting back the other way.

Sorry dude. Maybe next time don’t stalk me from the hedges and hope my fidelity for my boyfriend will suddenly dissipate upon your sudden, awkward and molester-like intrusion into my personal space.

Better luck next time.