Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Herpes are Cool

Word to the wise: never attempt minor facial surgery on yourself while under the influence (of alcohol that is. Heroine, PCP, Crack…those are all totally fine.)

Let me explain.

It seems that over the weekend I may have left out a few details. Like the part where the Boo decided to perform minimally invasive blemish extraction surgery on my face while inebriated. More specifically, on my LIP.

Now, here’s the part where I have to admit something horribly embarrassing but I’m sure more common than I suspect. Being that I’m part Italian I have dark hair. Really dark brown hair…in case you couldn’t tell from the pictures. Even worse, Italian’s are infamous for a few things: our cooking, our wine, our inability to use “inside voices” and a superfluous amount of hair. And while some of this hair may be glorious coifs atop the skull, some of us are lucky enough to have them grace us in other places.

That’s right folks. I have a stache.

I know what you’re thinking. Gross. And trust me when I say, I loathe it with every part of my being. Unfortunately, it’s part of my genetic makeup and so since about 9th grade I’ve just had to deal with it. (Is that high school bathroom stall lunch story making a little more sense to you now?)

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not some big Nietzsche mustache but it’s there and thus I have to take care of it every once and awhile. Well, I got lazy over the last few weeks and instead of just waxing the little pariah off like I should have, I said “to hell with it” and grabbed a razor.

I know, I know. Not my smartest move.

Weeks go by and I see two small black bumps forming on the exterior perimeter of my upper lip and of course, in my head I’m thinking, “Sweet baby Jesus, I’ve got ingrown hairs from my stache!!”

Of course, the presence of facial hair is pretty mortifying for any woman. I don’t want people thinking I’m some exhibit in a traveling freak show for Christ’s sake.

Well, Saturday night the Boo and I got a little wastey face, and by wastey face I mean belligerent. (Duh, that’s what vacays are for.) And for some reason, completely unbeknownst to me, alcohol seems to make the Boo’s already feline-like senses magnified by like 18.

Needless to say the acuteness in observation compelled him to point out my facial blemishes to which I responded with humiliation and a reservoir of tears ready to break at any moment.

Fully prepared to launch into my “How insensitive of you to point out my manly features? If you don’t love me for me then we shouldn’t be together” speech, the Boo announced that it wasn’t, in fact, an ingrown hair (he hadn’t even known I shaved my butchness away until I blurted it out) but rather, it was a black head. Correction, two blackheads.

Perfect. Fan-fucking-tastic. I’m a walking mosaic of crust.

In an effort to assuage my battered ego and the soon-to-accompany waterworks, the Boo went to work on my face. Keep in mind the man knows not the magnitude of his strength and I was trying to be a badass and will my pain threshold to further heights as he pushed and pinched.

What resulted? One removed blackhead within the first 20 seconds. But when he insisted that the other wasn’t raised enough to come out for awhile, I plunged ahead with the tweezers on my lonesome to remove the vile thing.

10 minutes later it was still there, bleeding, swollen, and mocking me.

And now, for the past 3 days, I look like I have a herpe.



Bird* said...

oh my.

Be one with the Fro said...

oh man. that sounds unbelievably painful. i understand though. i get the lone strand of hair on a mole -minus the mole- on my chin and its a pain to take out every couple weeks.

Anonymous said...

Ouchhhhh! I buy these Biore blackhead removing strips and they work well!

Miss Anne said...

i love every ounce of your realness.

oh, ya and your stach.

pfft. girl you're gorgeous.


Courtney said...

lskhdbflhjsadflh i love you i love you i love you! i'm dying. this was hysterical. trust me, i'm laughing WITH YOU not at you! i unfortunately can indeed join your stache club and i know EXACTLY how you feel. blackheads included. except i don't have the excuse of being italian, damn the irish to hell!

p.s. the little "captcha" thing or whatever it is i have to type to prove i'm not a computer so i can leave a comment says "trampay" right now. ha! giggles :)

Cristi said...

Nothing to be embarrassed about lol! The stache is probably more common than you think. Being hispanic I get little hairs too. Don't worry people don't seem to notice it when you don't get waxed unless you make it glaringly obvious so no worries your not alone and your boo must love you no matter what :)

The blackheads however I am not so confident about lol. The little things drive me mad!! I'll tell you what I do when I get them... keep in mind this is quite dorky lol. I cover the hideousness with a tiny band aid if possible. And if anyone asks me about it I just tell them I fell down or something lame like that lol.

Jillian said...

I dated a guy once that would point out every blemish on my face and ask if I wanted him to pop it....it was mortifying!

Tell Boo to leave you alone!

Krystal said...

cupcakes might even be taking over the world. AFTER i wrote that post, i was looking through my reader and found 2 posts about them! it's getting out of hand.

insomniaclolita said...

ouch. im sorry.:(

but seriously girl, you're so pretty.

Shannon said...

I literally laughed out loud because this sounds exactly like something Megan and I would do. Haha!

Wendy said...

Hahaha. That is nas-tay! And ouch!

Love the new layout.

And thank you!! So far, day's pretty good, relaxing. Although maybe I shouldn't have had that 3rd piece of cake..

Anonymous said...

Does it make me a horrible person if I laughed?

Socially Conscious Darling said...

omg. i'm dying laughing. that story was hilarious.

Emily said...

bird - i know. no words.

be one with the fro - tell me about it.

jacqueline - i'll have to look into those

miss anne - thanks hun. you're too kind. :)

courtney - i love you too. but were you drunk when you wrote that? bc if so i totally love you even more!

cristi - haha the bandaid is a good idea. i may have to do it and just tell people that the boo punched me in the mouth. lol

jillian - omg how rude. and he wasn't trying to be mean...just help. i think. lol

krystal - dear lord that is serious.

insomniac lolita - aww thank you.

shannon - haha good to know we're not the only dysfunctional couple like that. lol

wendy - fuck the cake. you need shots!!!

odd duck - no because it is pretty hilarious.

socially conscious darling - yea, it wasn't too funny when it was happening but it's pretty humorous now.

Courtney said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA dammnnitttt!!! so what if i like a little screwdriver with my blog cruising, NO JUDGING!

Maddie Marie said...

I love that you blogged about this. You are hysterical.

ChinkyGirLMeL said...

Ouch! That sucks.But hey, don't stress out too much about that, you're still pretty. =)

ChinkyGirLMeL said...

great blog post you have here. hilarious. =) You had me laughing hard in the office. tsk tsk. thanks for the laugh

CarmellesFabulosity said...

You are completely hilarious! Loved this post and I can completely relate- besides taking the razor to the she-stache, major no-no! lol
I am a slave to the 7$ lip wax from the nail salon. This was great- I give you 5 stars for having the balls to talk about your she-stache!


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