Monday, March 9, 2009

How to Successfully Wake up and Feel like a Douche

1. Set off on a low key Sunday lunch at the beach of crab legs and Blue Moon with the man friend.

2. Decide that one pitcher of beer is simply not enough. Must order a second.

3. Polish it off like your mouth is the Mojave and the sweet orange nectar of the gods is the only cure.

4. Drive to International Mall to pick up some more Proactiv. On the way past the restaurants and bars leading to the entrance, suddenly decide you need to pee or your bladder will burst. Give man friend license to go on without you.

5. Become distracted on the way out of the 36+ draft offerings at the bar you conveniently picked to relieve yourself. Cozy up to the bar (alone) and order just one drink. You are waiting after all.

6. Call the Boo and tell him to hurry up and meet you back for just one more drink.

7. Decide you have all the money in the world (which you don’t) and continue to order more $10 mojitos and $8 blueberry beer.

8. Drink yourself into a coma, text randomly and drunkenly just to alert more people that you once again are exhibiting signs you should be on the next Intervention.

9. Mumble incoherently all the way home. Black out. Wake back up and begin seizure-like dancing hysterically to Christina Aguilera.

10. Immediately upon returning home and drifting in and out of states of consciousness suddenly decide that you are STARVING for the exquisite cuisine that is Checkers.

11. Leave house unannounced without the phone that you’ve now lost to meander your way to the nearest breeding ground of grease and bacteria (aforementioned Checkers).

12. Somehow make it home. Eat food. Begin crying for unknown reasons. Stumble (again) out of the house and around the surrounding hood bemoaning your plight and still crying.

13. Make it back home. Leave multiple asinine, violent, and expletive filled status updates on your Facebook in an attempt to look hard. Somehow realize this is not the best idea. Delete all 8 of them.

14. Cry some more. Strip off jeans and resign to sleeping on the couch.

15. Wake up. Void all intestines through a deathly retching into the porcelain god.

16. Crawl into bed. Black out.

17. Wake up to a raging headache, terrifying panic attack, flaming eyes from several irrational crying drags. Feel like poop in a can.

18. Vow to never drink again….at least not for a few days.

How was your weekend?


Wendy said...

I spent it working, dealing with douchy people and sleeping.

Getting severely drunk and eating Checkers sounds a lot better.

Frankly, Scarlett said...

Have I told you lately that I love you???

TOO Funny and all too familiar - especially the Intervention reference. CLASSIC!

XO, babe! I still love you!

Violet said...

That sounds like my weekend a few weeks ago, this past weekend, exciting, limited amount of alcohol and lots and lots of decorating. Next weekend, much more like yours, I hope! ;-)

Anonymous said...

This is sad... maybe you SHOULD take a break from drinking.

Mary Elizabeth said...

This is awesome! I have had many weekends that mirror this. My weekend consisted of cleansing and starving for a darn colonoscopy and endoscopy, no all. =)

Kylie said...

You go girl! Sounds like amny a weekends past for me! I miss those days! Although this Saturday should be very similar for me...we'll see!?

Anonymous said...

Is it terribly sad that your weekend actually sounds awesome to me?

I miss college. =(

Anonymous said...

LOL!!! I am over here dying!

insomniaclolita said...

You're awesome. I like all the drinkings. I drool when you wrote Mojito.

Shannon said...

Oh.My.God. Your weekend sounds, intoxicating ;)

a H.I.T. said...

It was the blueberry beers. Sounds like you were having a blast until they entered the picture.

JD said...

I poured a drink on a guy's head because I hadn't had anything to eat that day, drank too much, and he was a tool.

Christina said...

Holy Sardines Batman! You had an exciting & eventful weekend! I hope you had fun regardless :)

I spent the weekend working; I dealt with more with customers' stupidity and pretended to care what The Mean Girls talked to me about...

The Demigoddess said...

This was fun. Sounds a lot like a weekend I had some time ago.

LipstickOne said...


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