Thursday, March 19, 2009

My Lovely Lady Lumps...Exposed

Today is not a happy day.

In a few hours I’ll be dragging myself to the annual doctor’s appointment that is the bane of every woman’s existence.

Ya know? The one where some strange man with cold hands and seedy eyes pokes around at your lady bits and man handles your knocks? So not fun.

(I can only imagine the endless possibilities for humiliating TMI posts that could come out of my cankles spread in aluminum stirrups, sheathed in a front open glorified paper towel, getting finger banged by a random all whilst trying to pretend that casual conversation with said stranger for the duration is perfectly normal.)

So not cool.

The Boo, however, has promised me 40s and spicy peanuts from the gas station if I make it out alive so I suppose I can rely on my alcohol dependency to trudge me through this horror yet again.

I can only hope the prison cell of a room they throw me in will be equipped with appropriate Bible verse plaques and abstract landscape paintings to grab my attention and pass the anxiety-laden waiting time. Nothing says “professional” like a still life painting of a fruit basket from Big Lots.

22 comments:

Miss Musing said...

Spicy peanuts are delicious!

My doctor's office has already left me two messages letting me know that I need to schedule my yearly exam but I've been ignoring it and putting it off because I just don't feel like going :) Ugh.

Lil' Woman said...

Your exercise in narcissism pic looks like your mood today :(

Just think of the booze that awaits you afterwards.

LiLu said...

It will be horrible... but it sounds like the perfect excuse for a TMI thursday next week ;-)

Good luck, love.

justjp said...

So 40's and peanuts really do work!

Courtney said...

Boooo for gyno!

soundofsilent said...

1) I think I love you
2) Enjoy! Talking to my lady doctor about her middle school kids while she is touching my naughtiest bits (read: cervix) is undeniably awkward.

Cause the more I drink, the more I drink said...

This will sound weird but I was at the dreaded Gyno today too! Small world? Thank you for your comments yesterday (things are better - the job is just making me drown in misery from time to time).

Think warm thoughts today! And watch out for the dreaded "pee in a cup" test to see if you are preggers; that test always freaks me out!!!

Wendy said...

Fun, fun, fun! (a la dun dun dun!) Looking forward to those TMI posts.

a H.I.T. said...

Yeah for 40s, nay for gynos.

Muppet Soul said...

My favorite part is when they push on things and say "Can you feel THIS?"

Hello, that is my twat you are touching. If I did not feel it, I'd be all sorts of concerned right now.

I get off on the stirrups. Is that wrong?

My M.O. in awkward situations is to attempt to make them even more awkward, thus affording me some power.

My fancy shmancy gyno is on Rodeo Drive so last time he was down there attempting to make normal conversation, I just asked him about the famous poonannies he's seen.

And then he accidentally spit on me.

Kylie said...

I was due in January...I still haven't called them back.

"I don't wanna be a woman anymore!"
That's what Hubby gets to hear once every month and for my yearly...I am supposed to be going every six months so I have been there like five times in less than two years!! UGH!!

Katie said...

This is why I go to a lady gynecologist. She's this young, kind of hip, slightly crunchy (like granola, not like gross) who gave me advice on the best sex shops in Portland on my first appointment and made sure to warm her hands before she started prodding me. She also keeps an extra small scapula for extra small girls like me. I luuuuurve her. Best gyno ever.

Sorry if that's TMI, but I just...I was so relieved after I left her office. I didn't realize that going to the gyno didn't have to be completely miserable before that.

Danielle said...

LMFAO
I have nothing else to say!!!

Margarita said...

I have a woman gyno too, she is the best, and when I was pregnant she encouraged me to gain weight and keep eating, unlike my friend's male doctor who put her on a strict diet... ha ha ha.
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wave412 said...

I cope with the awkwardness of the whole experience by talking non-stop about whatever topic my doctor chooses. Last time, it was digital cameras.

Furry-Ha said...

i have a woman gyno....but its still very awkward!

Shannon said...

This reminds me, I need to make an appointment. Good luck!

Wonderful said...

I definitely dread going to the doctor's too--it's never ever pleasant, and it's usually awkward. At least you had booze as a reward.

Lindsay said...

Oh god, please don't remind me. Internal exams are the bane of my existence.

Kaycee said...

Hey there. You're blog is fab! I had to do the gyno thing Tuesday..NO fun!!

Meme said...

"Nothing say professional like a still life painting of a fruit backet from BigLots"

Love the undercurrent of sarcasm!

Stephanie said...

My gyno gives out hug- I don't know what to make of them...

He also tells me he'll talk to me when I get my clothes back on.

Funny post.


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