Wednesday, March 18, 2009

This is Why I Have a Tag Entitled "Effing Dogs"

Does it make me a shitty person if I want to drop kick one of the Boo’s dogs off a bridge Anchorman style?

(Don’t tell me cause I already know the answer. And regardless, I’m kind of a shitty person anyways so punting pitbulls wouldn’t really tip the scale that much.)

But let me try and persuade you to my side just for a moment. Ya see, a few weeks back I wrote about coming home to this massacre of our living room recliner. Chloe did it. She got reprimanded. All was forgiven and forgotten. We figured that the recliner probably should have been replaced anyways and it just gave us an excuse to buy a new loveseat or something so whatever.

Well, Monday when the Boo and I spent the majority of our day at the doctor’s office we came home to discover that she had done it again. Same chair, same spot, more damage.

Next day I run to Target while the Boo is napping and nursing his injury. I come home and what do I find? Chloe has now managed to rip a sizeable tear into our brand new barely a year old micro-fiber and leather couch!!! Ok this is getting out of hand.

The Boo and I decide to take some parental action and discipline her by refusing her couch and other furniture privileges until her behavior improves. That should do the trick, right?


Can you guess what we found when we came home from the pool today? Fresh out of the shower, excited about our lunch date to the ever tasty Sweet Tomatoes, I arranged my clothes on the bed to change and promptly let out a giant scream!!

Me: “BABE!!! BABE!!!”

The Boo: “Stop yelling. What’s wrong?!?!”

Me: “Look what she did this time!!!!!!!!”

It was my brand new $100 comforter that I loved so much I blogged about and had only had on the bed for 5 months. It was the very first thing I bought for our new home when I moved to Tampa. It was (once again) one of the only things of value I had to contribute to our home and now it has a massive tear in it and a plethora of stuffing ripped out. It’s irreparably damaged and it hurts my heart to even think about it.

Now I know it’s stupid. In the grand scheme of things it’s only a recliner, a sofa, a comforter. But what the fuck, yo?!?! Why does it have to be massacred piece by piece on a daily basis to the point that we look like paupers??? Not only did we already need to buy a new dining room set, computer desk and chair, now we’re faced with having to replace the recliner, the comforter and inevitably the couch if it gets much worse.

We’ve tried scolding her, locking her in her cage for an hour or so….nothing works and I have no idea how to fix it. You guys know I’m not a dog person in the first place so it’s been hard enough adjusting to life with not one but two dogs around me constantly but I’ve learned to be ok with it. Even love them (somewhat) which is shocking for me.

But shit like this??? Shit like this reminds me of exactly why I’ve always reveled living in a pet-free environment. Unfortunately Chloe is like one of the Boo’s children. Flesh and blood practically and I don’t wanna come off as the bitch step-mother who whines and complains about his babies.

We both know something has to be done to stop the destruction but as of now, we’re kind of at a loss. His idea: keep her in the cage at night and when we’re gone. My idea: give her away.

(Kidding. Sort of. Ok, not really.)

Have you ever had an animal wreak havoc on your worldly possessions? And if so, what did you do to fix it?

I’m thinking we need Cesar Millan up in this bitch.


a H.I.T. said...

It sounds like it's time to cage her...Boo is definitely right. Cage training will be good. Some dogs always need a cage though. Just depends. Good luck. And trust me, a comforter is nothing compared to a pair of Jimmy Choos. My friend went through 3 pairs when their dog starting chewing...

andrea.leigh said...

de-lurking to say
a) I always find your stories hillarious, even if they are embellished. ;)
b) my ex-fiance had a beagle that terrorized my dirty underwear. wasn't a huge deal at first, but he ripped holes in the crotches of my lovely VS underwear. oh, and he tore through two of the screen doors in our apt. and escaped. I left shortly thereafter (for reasons unrelated to the previous issues, although the dog did bite me on occasion), so I don't have any advice for you. good luck though!

Matt said...

Angry Biker: What do you love?

Ron Burgundy: I love poetry, and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here.
Angry Biker: Well, now, guess what, this is happening.
[grabs Baxter]

Ron Burgundy: Excuse me... excuse me... what are you doing?

[biker punts Baxter over bridge]

Angry Biker: That's how I roll.

Kylie said...

WOW! I love my pets...but if they were doing that shit...I might go postal!! Seeings as how I have kids of the feline variety I have no solid advice about canine behavior but, I would suggest Googling "constructive canine discipline" ;) Sounds funny but, I have heard that dogs & cats do NOT learn from negative reinforcement so I guess you're supposed to encourage & reward the good behavior??

Hell I dunno! That all sounds like a load of shit to me and I wrote it! lol Good luck on this one!!

Jessica said...

How old is she? We have a terrier and up until she was about 8mos old she would eat furniture & eat anything that was sitting still long enough for her to put her mouth on. (even the cat!). Maybe you should crate her while ya'll are gone and at night. It's what we had to do until she was older.

Bird* said...

lock the bitch up, yo. forever.. make her eat in her cage. let her out to piss and that's it.

Lindsay said...

Got your FR frm 20smthings.
We have a 95lb. pitbull and Cesar Millian is the way to go! We own all seasons. In my opinion, your dog is bored. We Hubby walks/runs our dog everyday...45 minutes! Terriors seem to have more energy and these things will probably continue until the dog can "get that energy out"...exercise the poo outta the pup! It's something you have to be consistant with though. Sorry, I know this is more than frustrating...hang in there! :)

From Us to You! said...

Ok I have almost to the T the same bf loves Rottwielers so we got a puppy and he was spoiled rotten and really took to zack well he started eating our blankets and would only do it when I wasn't there..or both weren't there..well I would leave early in the morning and work at my coffee stand my my bf would still be sleeping..that weekend I bought a brand new duvet for our down comforter $80 and I said specificly if he chews this up he is gone..RIGHT! Wrong he comes by work and goes so you won't guess what "huff" the dog did..I said what peed in the house he goes no..then said don't freak out..and goes he chew up a whole corner of the duvet...I fucking flipped I said you better have it fixed!! I went home to find my duvet chewed favorite blanket completly ruined..some shirts, jeans and brand new underwear..GRRRRRR I drew the line..we got rid of him..

Sarahahaha said...

AAAAAH. your dog's ridiculous! My dog when he was a puppy went through a couple pairs of my shoes. I hit him with them. He still eats my underwear to shreds which is disgusting, but in general it makes me keep my room cleaner. I would definitely think putting her in a crate of some kind when you're away is a good idea.

Alanna said...

What the fuck, yo?! INDEED! I'm actually a big dog lover, so to say I totally empathize might come off as a bit hypocritical but... I DO! I'm dog sitting for a friend this week and have made the unfortunate discovery that not all dogs are as mild-mannered and docile and cuddly as the one I have grown up with. Every day this week I have come home to find my shoes chewed up and the kitchen floor peed on. It's enough to turn a girl into a cat person! Luckily for me, I only have to put up with it for a few more days, but you... well, good luck with that.

Anonymous said...

She's probably got some sort of separation anxiety.

Crate training a dog is one of the best things you can do. It keeps us happy knowing he's not tearing anything up and it keeps Puppers safe from getting into something he shouldn't. When it's time to leave the house, Boyfriend or I tell Puppers to get in his kennel (if he hasn't figured it out by now) and we give him a treat and lock the door. He's so used to his kennel that if we don't put him in it, he FREAKS out like, "OMG! I'm not supposed to be out here without you guys!"

Also, we got him a HARD short hollow bone from Petsmart and sometimes before we go, we put a bit of peanut butter in it. As soon as he sees the peanut butter come out of the cabinet, he runs into his kennel and waits (and drools) until he gets his treat. Peanut butter is also good for a dog's coat.

Good luck!

thegamerswife said...

Ahhh. I am so sorry this keeps happening to you! I actually can't offer any advice since we don't have any pets. We've been thinking about getting a dog, but after reading your experiences I'm not sure I want to risk it! HA!

Courtney said...

Oi vey, dogs can be a real pain in the ass! But luckily for you, I have much experience with havoc wreaking dogs! Can you say Jack Russel Terrier?

Anywho, definitely keep the pups crated when you're not home. If you're not there to catch her in the act and make her quit, punishing her after the fact is near pointless because by that time, she's already forgotten what she's done and is thinking something along the lines of "What the fuck! I was sleeping and you came home and started yelling at me!"

Now there are two GREAT investments to put an end to all furniture chewing.

1. THICK marrow bone that's hollow so you can stuff it with peanut butter for her to eat while you're gone, or just to keep her busy while you're home. Give her lots of lovin while she chews on that, cuz then she'll love it even more!

2. Bitter Apple spray. If there are certain objects she's attracted to (recliner? couch?) spray it on those. As far as I know, the stuff is safe for fabrics, but double check just in case. If she tries to chew or tear at it, it'll taste disgusting and she won't go near it! Or at least won't be putting her mouth on it again! Also if you ever catch her in the act of doing something naughty, a little spray on the nose with that stuff will send her running tail-between-the-legs in the opposite direction.

Oh and also, my dog HATED the crate at first, but try not to make it a punishment. If you're going to have to leave her in it at night and every time you're gone, you don't want her to feel like you're punishing her every time you leave. Leave treats and toys to keep her occupied in there while you're gone and soon enough she'll be looking forward to you leaving! My dog does :)

Hope all that helps! I know after we got all the kinks worked out with our dog, we got to love him soo much more :)

Lil' Woman said...

I have to agree with the boo..since he probably (definetly) won't give the dog away, crate training would be the best option. Mia doesnt even whine when we put her in there anymore.

Anonymous said...

I have a hard time caging animals (because I'm a total softie) but when my puppies were little and tearing the house apart we bought some sturdy baby gates and gated all but the kitchen and hallway. It worked out well.

JD said...

I agree. Crate train the bitch.

Katie said...

It might be separation anxiety or boredom. For boredom, the best cure is more work-outs and walks, keeping her busy so that when you're gone, she poops out. Separation anxiety is a little more difficult. The best thing you can do if that's the case is working on prevention.

My dog will chew apart anything he can get his mouth on if we're not careful. We now kennel Pippin when we're not home. It's not a bad thing. He likes his kennel, I come home and let him out and play with him at lunch, and most of the time, he goes in on his own when he knows it's time for me to go to work or time for bed. If you'd like to talk more, I could give you some great advice on kenneling/crate training. It's a little more difficult when the dog is older, but over time, it becomes their happy place. And believe me, you'll be relieved when their happy place is in their kennel chewing on human-approved toys rather than in your stuff chewing on anything new, expensive, or that you love.

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