Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The Art of Heartache

Why is it that sometimes the best people inevitably attract the worst?

(This is not to say that every relationship/friendship I’ve ever had in my life has been an awful, toxic, disastrous cluster f*ck of tears, hurt feelings, broken promises and ultimately heartache. But there have been a few that stand glaringly in the forefront of my memory as a benchmark against what I can now recognize as something I never want to experience again. This post refers to them.)

My BFF and Bosom Buddy Smash is going through some similar difficulties with her current man friend and in talking with her I couldn’t help but reflect a little on my past relationships and their subsequent failures.

One relationship in particular could be deemed as possibly the worst, most misguided, delusional excuse for a relationship EVER. It was (not surprisingly) with the man/douche/bane of my existence that preceded The Boo.

(This should give you an indication of how truly horrifying and miserable this relationship was. I resorted to a 4 month vow of celibacy and swore off men for 5 months after it ended before finally meeting the man of my dreams. The Boo. Clearly. So I went from the very worst to the very best. I guess the only thing I can thank the other one for is that in experiencing the absolutely most awful “relationship” I could finally allow myself to not settle for anything less than perfect. So thanks for that. But I digress.)

So this ex we’ll refer to as The Quintessential Bachelor (TQB).

(Let me note here. This is not a nickname I gave him. His MOTHER did and he thought it was just hilarious. A few months in I realized the alarming appropriateness of the joke. Oh how I should have run then.)

Through the course of our relationship I realized that something was very clear. He only wanted what he thought he couldn’t have and that extended to anything and everything, cars, money, clothes, women, including me. Being the narcissistic and egotistical bag of douche he is/was he liked a challenge. If someone said he couldn’t have something, he went after it with a tenacity that was almost scary. And once he had it, he forgot about it two seconds later. It was almost childish really. Like when I was a kid, Little Sis would be playing with a toy and I would scream and cry and plead with her that I just must have it. Finally she’d give it up and move on to something else and suddenly I didn’t want the toy I had anymore, I wanted HERS. Sound familiar?

The reality of the situation was that TQB just wanted what he couldn’t have. It wasn’t about the “love” or the relationship or any real feeling he had for me other than simply wanting to control. Some guys (not all) get a sick satisfaction in knowing that they can do/act/say whatever they want and their girl won’t go anywhere.

Trust me. I did it with TQB. And he could be veryyyyyyy convincing. When I would finally get the balls to try and leave he would smooth talk me and make it seem like he cared. Like he actually had emotions or gave a shit and I would end up staying. Forgiving him when I shouldn’t have...sticking around when I should have walked away. Looking like a fool and losing my dignity and my friends in the process. It took me 9 miserable months before I could finally do it.

But I finally realized that my worth was far greater than what he took it for. That I deserved something so much better than what he could ever give me. That he wasn't what his words portrayed and in the end, that's all they were...words.

Because women, by human nature, have an affinity to love and with that comes trust and forgiveness and second chances (many things men aren't willing to relinquish when they're on the other side).

(Could u imagine if the roles were reversed and I had treated him like that?? How long would he stick around?? How long would he put up with all my bullshit before he finally said "F*ck that and f*ck you! Im out??" I'd dare to say not long.)

But I’ve learned a woman's instinct is undeniable. If you don't feel something's right, it probably isn't. If his actions don't reflect his talk, they probably aren't true. If it doesn't seem like he loves you, I hate to say it, but he probably doesn’t.

But in the long run...who really cares??? You have to want something better for yourself...a better relationship, boyfriend, whatever. Until then you will just continue to be victimized by the things he (or any other man) chooses to suscept u to.

Remember, you teach other people how to treat you and eventually you have to say ENOUGH to the broken promises, the broken trust, the broken heart and decide that you will stop letting this person have power over you.

Repeat this mantra: I am STRONG and BEAUTIFUL and INTELLIGENT and FUNNY and ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!! Any man would be lucky as all hell to have me and if he doesn't realize that and cherish me and do everything in his physical power to keep me (and keep me happy) then HE IS NOT THE ONE.

Move on. Find the one that is. Because HE will not make you cry. HE will come see you any chance he gets. HE will talk your ear off when he can’t be there. And HE will make it all make sense!!!

And a man like that is what every woman deserves. Everyone deserves a Boo. And nothing less.

Because let’s face it. A man is the ultimate accessory and you can’t be caught dead with anything less than the best.

Because you’re simply fabulous!


LittleMissObsessive said...
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Lindsay said...

For some reason, this post reminded me of an episode of Sex in the City when Carrie is teaching a class of women about men/relationships. :)

Anonymous said...

great read & I must say I can totally relate...
It sure does feel good to have the satisfaction of moving on and knowing that you are a better person because of it.

btw- I am so hooked on your blog now. ) Looking forward to more good stuff!

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