Thursday, January 29, 2009

Keepin' it Classy: 43 Strip Clubs for Super Bowl 43

If you’ll recall this post, you may remember me mentioning that I had packed up and moved away to be with the Boo. If you’re a new reader than you probably don’t know that this new (temporary) home of mine is the literal bane of my existence.

It is the Mecca for the drudges of humanity, you know, the ones you see lurking around a Wal-mart at ungodly hours (or at any time, for that matter.) This city caters to ignorance, filth, and overall big creepies (ie sexual predators, stalkers, and the like). It is a town where the people seem to think that 70 degree weather is a “cold front” and that Spanish should supplant English as our national language. It is, quite possibly, the threshold to hell.

Where is this quaint little town, you may ask?

Tampa. I live in crusty, run down, disease ridden, strip club proliferating Tampa.

And guess what? We’re hosting the Super Bowl in 3 days.


Who in God’s name ever decided that THIS was a good place to attract an influx of people and mass media to showcase one of the biggest sporting events of the year? What inbred is running this committee that voted in favor of the only city in all America with more strip clubs than anyone, or likely anything, else??

Think I’m exaggerating. Check this out.

(In case your lazy and don’t like to click links [like me], TMZ did a fancy little investigation and counted all the strip clubs in Tampa and found a whopping 43 of them. The only other establishment boasting the same amount of representation in this fine city of ours? McDonalds.)

I can only imagine how impressed Diddy and the Kardashian clan will be with this sprawling expanse of excrement we call Tampa Bay.

And despite all of the emblematic proof that this city would really not be missed if it dropped to the bottom of the Gulf, you’d be surprised how many people still act completely flabbergasted and oblivious when I tell them I can’t wait to get the hell out of here.

“But, but you just moved here. You can’t leave yet!!”

And to that I answer, love can make you do crazy things. But it doesn’t mean you can’t fix them when the lease is up.


PoisonIvy068 said...

lol..the only time i see tampa is driving to clearwater....when I might possibly stop at a Burger King to pee.. :)

Bella@That damn expat said...

Tee hee hee.

Great post!

Anonymous said...

I remember one of my friends telling me about going to her prom in Tampa and how her and her date found a dead body and several prostitutes, so I most definitely believe you.

Frankly, Scarlett said...

OH Honey - I TOTALLY Agree! next to maybe Albuquerque - Tampa is quite possibly Dante's 7th Circle come to life!

Wendy said...

Oh.. my god. YOU live in Tampa?? I LIVE IN TAMPA. Seriously. And I can't wait to move! Hate this place. It's dirty, I hate the freaking weather. I could keep going and going about all the crappyness that is Tampa. It literally at times makes me feel dirty. :(

I was totally surprised when I heard that the Super Bowl was being held in this place. I mean, c'mon, it's TAMPA.

I didn't know about the stripper clubs bit but considering there's a "adult video" store a block over, I'm not surprised.

Thankfully enough, I spent most of my time in either Clearwater (not so bad) and Tarpon Springs (small but quirky).

I need to move. Pronto!

Kelly Marie said...

hahahaha! This post made me laugh out loud, at work nonetheless. Viva Tampa! jk

AJ said...

so...I shouldn't like strip clubs? I mean...DAMN strip clubs. Scum of the earth!


insomniaclolita said...

lol you're way too funny, you make me wanna visit. Haha

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm, Jacksonville isn't much of a step up... but it's not that bad. Lol.

Emily said...

poison ivy - consider yourself lucky.

bella - you wouldn't be laughing if you lived here. lol

the odd duck - oh good god. for some reason, that doesn't even surprise me.

scarlet - haha quite possibly the most accurate description of tampa i've heard in a long long time. nicely done. lol

wendy - OMG!!! how did i not know this already??? at least now i have someone to commiserate with on the plight that is our current living circumstances.

kelly marie - i'm glad someone gets a kick out of my miserable city

aj - mind you, these are NOT the nice, classy strip clubs that let you sip champagne and admire nicely groomed women tastefully getting down. au contraire, these are strip clubs full of meth mouth trailer park rejects in their 3rd trimester grinding on a pole while you admire COMPLETELY SOBER as they do not serve ANY alcohol. EVER. no bueno.

insomniac lolita - i'm glad i make you laugh but i highly advise you never come visit. you'll only be sorely disappointed

e. wiggle - well, seeing as i moved FROM jacksonville TO tampa, jax seems light years better (and more evolved) than tampa. however, i have a theory that florida as a whole should just be removed from the country. just chop it off and let if float to the bottom of the atlantic and no one would ever miss it.

kelspot said...

i love your humor.. haha. i thrive on being pissy, as well. but my pittsburh steelers will be in that superbowl you speak of. hopefully you'll be rooting for them, even if you don't care much about who wins. 43 strip clubs is hilarious. coincidence? .. i think not.

Transplant said...

Haha, it's so funny..I live in JacksonVegas(not from Florida originally)...and I feel the same way about Tampa as you do. But the people who are from there think it's the best thing that has ever happened to the US! It's quite amazing and also very confusing.

Red Bella said...

ok, so I was born in Tampa and stayed here 'til 20 and then moved to St. Petersburg, circumstances have brought me back.
I feel the need to defend my birthplace, but at the same time I hate it here too. The traffic and lost sense of community for the most part.
but there's good stuff here
you just have to dig
enjoy the little things the parks, or how pretty the lights are around the bay
I prefer St Pete by far
but Tampa is not a prostitute infested dirty needle bum town, that's not a fair picture
and it's our Cuban heritage that really brings about the high Spanish speaking population, as well as the migrant works and proximity to Miami.....but most Tampa natives would be fucking lost without real Cuban bread and coffee and cigars
there's a lot of history here

as you can see I'm on the fence about's a love/hate thing

Wendy said...

You used to live in Jacksonville?? OMG, my best friend lives there!! She's trying to get me to visit and I really want to 'cause any reason to get out of Tampa, eve n temporarily, good enough for me!

20s Enthusiast said...

So I shouldn't go to a conference there in August? haha. this is a funny post but I totally understand

Emily said...

kelspot - well, considering i'm a jags fan it's in my dna to despise the steelers (lol...sorry) but hopefully it will at least be a good game

transplant - no kidding. the one's who are from here worship this place like it's fucking paradise. i don't get it.

red bella - i understand where you're coming from and just to clear things up, my intentions were never to offend anyone just to voice how i feel about the place i live. that's all. while admittedly i'm sure there are worse places to live, it's just not a good fit for me so therefore, there's not much for me to like. but to each his own.

wendy - haha yup. lived in jacksonville for 13 years before i moved here and now i've been in tampa for about 6 months. my advice...go to jax!!! you'll get out of this hell hole for a bit and you'll see that jax is a million times better than it is here. lol

20s enthusiast - haha ummm...only go if you HAVE to. lol

Shannon said...

"ignorance, filth, and overall big creepies (ie sexual predators, stalkers, and the like)"

Heyyy that sounds like OUR walmart! Hahah.

Premade Design by Delicious Design Studio