Friday, November 14, 2008

Does Drinking at 2:00 PM Qualify Me as a Prime Candidate for AA?

I mean cut me some slack. It is Friday after all.

However, I still feel I need excuses to explain away such behavior. It seems the trajectory of my life right now is propelling me forward into depression, alcoholism and suicidal tendencies. (JK on the suicide thing but I was trying to make a point.)

You see, I had an epiphany today. Life sucks huge balls right now. Big, fat, hairy balls. (Anyone that’s checked my 20SB page today may have noticed I’ve had a bit of a preoccupation with testicles lately so don’t mind me. Just another indication that I’m losing it and need aforementioned drink.) But it doesn’t just suck for me. It sucks for just about everyone I know (and yea, all those other people I don’t.)

So it’s whatevs at this point. I’ve done what I can do and now there’s nothing left but to get good and drunk. Oh and hope things sort themselves out and all that jazz.

But this will not be a solemn, anxiety-ridden post. Nu-uh. I forbid it.

So on to something completely off topic. You remember that Spawn of Satan in the form of a dog that I referred to yesterday? Yea, the annoying, rebellious demon child, Asia? Well she lives up to her reputation yet again.

This morning I awoke to the terrifying news that my boyfriend had suffered a wound that may or may not have left him without his left eye. (Yes. I know. Horrific.)

It seems as if our demonically possessed dog felt the need to kick the Boo as hard as canine-ly possible in the eye and subsequently every 3 inch radius around it. He rushed into the bedroom, hand and tissue clutched to eye, saying “Babe, I’ve been injured.”

Turns out he got lucky and only got a few cuts on the bridge of his nose and eyelid area but they are all the way down to the exact perimeter of the eyeball!! The ball, people!! I could have been dating a one-eyed bandit because of this deranged creature he calls a pet. (Not that there’s anything wrong with people with one eye but, ya know.)

Needless to say this only drove a wider gap between his canine friend and I. He willingly forgave her just 5 minutes after. I, on the other hand, am now searching furiously for instructions on how to perform an excorism.

Because after today I am thoroughly convinced. This dog is the antichrist.


Anonymous said...

Drinking befoe noon is AA candidacy, unless of course it is beer on your cornflakes, that doesn't count.

Blame blacklog for my presence, he tagged you and I was nosey.


Emily said...

beer on the cornflakes eh?? how frat boyish.

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