Because I’m feeling decidedly uninspired and slightly exhausted from staring at a blank Word document with a blinking cursor, you bitches are getting bullet points.
Deal with it.
-Friday was a pretty glorious day.Packed a few more Tampon boxes worth of crap we have to move…in 17 days!!! Time is flying.
-Went to Lowes and acted like an old married couple.Adorable.
-Manipulated Sweet-talked the Boo into a couple Happy Hour drinks and appetizers at Bar Louie.Anywhere you can get out with 8 Blue Moons and an appetizer of delicious pretzel sticks with 3 dipping sauces PLUS tip for $34 is pretty awesome by my book.Nay?
-Drunkenly watched a couple episodes of The Wire at home with the Boo.(I’ve managed to convince him that we should spend 2 hours every week dedicated to watching each other’s favorite TV series.His pick:The Wire.Mine?Sex and the City.DUH!!! And guess what??He frickin loves it.[Cue evil laughter and drumming of fingertips beneath chin])
-Saturday did a little cleaning (read: made the bed and emptied the 4 plates in the dishwasher) and then decided we should be rewarded for our hard work with some delicious crab legs and beer at the greatest seafood joint this side of the Mississippi…The Crab Shack in St. Pete.And wouldn’t you know, us crazy fools didn’t discover it till 2 weeks before we move away forever.Story of my life.
-Drinks and Facebook harassment to everyone on someone else’s friend’s list = nonstop hilarity (and an unwanted Facebook page in the morning. The Boo finally gave in and made one in his drunken stupor.[Cue evil laughter and drumming of fingertips beneath chin again])
-Spent all of Easter Sunday in bed watching the Master’s AND witnessing the most checking of a Facebook page I have ever witnessed in one day.I think he may have a problem.
How was your weekend?And what’s your favorite Sex and the City episode?(I have a feeling after this post the Boo will try and buck the system to salvage his masculinity but I need to reassure him there are good things ahead.Which, hello??There SO are.It’s SATC for Christ’s sake.)
In light of the momentous holiday that was Valentine’s Day (yea right) I’m postponing our regularly scheduled “Work It Out Weekends” post for tomorrow (or sometime later this week.)Trust me, the results won’t surprise you.
And now for a slightly belated but nonetheless greatly anticipated review of the Boo and I’s first Valentine’s day together.Now you may think that because of this post I’m about to wax poetic on all the ways our day was romantic and perfect and something straight out of the fairy tales.But nay.I thought the same thing in light of how the day started but I was sorely mistaken.
Yes, he bought me a bunch of gorgeous flowers and huge balloons to surprise me that morning.Yes, he wrote me the sweetest letter ever telling me how he felt.Yes, he made me heart-shaped banana pancakes and cuddled with me.(Oh and I think I may have given him a box of inscribed candy hearts as a token of my love.Kidding.My gift was slightly better.And I use the term “better” loosely.)
But I digress.While the morning showed the makings of what seemed to be a perfectly romantic day it soon fell apart in the true fashion of anything I’ve built up to be something grand in my mind.I clearly have yet to learn the meaning of the phrase “Don’t get your hopes up.”
That evening the Boo and I donned our semi-formal-look-at-us-we’re-somewhat-grown-up-adults attire and headed out to Bernini’s where we had made reservations earlier in the week.We had researched the place a little more than the last disaster of a restaurant we tried out and we were fairly confident that it would be just what we envisioned for our very romantic and soon-to-be infamous first V-Day together.
We drove down to Ybor City where the restaurant was located (not exactly the safest place to be at night but we figured maybe the streets would be cleared of the crime and crust since it was a somewhat fancy night out.WRONG.)
We hit a couple detours and got a little turned around after we noticed that the sign accompanying the main detour said “The street you need to get to for your date is CLOSED.Drive 13 miles out of your way HERE and park downtown.Oh and then once you get there WALK.And try not to be late.Even though you left 45 minutes early to be on time.”(Or something like that.)
We somehow finagled our way past the Pigs and the road blocks and found an open parking garage only to find that not only was the parking $10 (what the eff?) but they also took CASH ONLY.Ok, hold up.Umm…how long has it been that our country has been completely and totally dependent on debit and credit cards to do any and everything on a day to day basis??? Oh yeah.That would be FOREVER!!!Sorry I left all my hustle cash from the gratuitous BJs I doled out earlier back at the house.My bad.Let me go another 18.9 miles out of my way to find an ATM crawling with degenerates, try not to get mugged in the process of extracting my last $20 out of my account and then I’ll come back and fork it over to you you thieving, heartless son of a bitch.
(Can you tell I was not happy with this news?)
Well we finally managed to get the cash, pay the money hungry whore at the gate and find a parking place (oh, what’s that??) ON THE ROOF!!
Fantastic.Now I get to walk (run) in my brand new extremely uncomfortable stilettos to the restaurant that we’re now late for.Whilst I’m trying to harness the power of my mind to will us through the throngs of imbreds and dredges of humanity surrounding us to get to our restaurant I realize, “Hey wait a minute! Who let all these crazies out in public …at the same time?? And on MY night nonetheless.”
Answer:Apparently there was some monstrosity of a “parade” about to take place in the streets directly in front of our restaurant and this had apparently compelled the masses of crust epitomized to collectively gather all along the sidewalks, Natty light cans clutched in their sweaty, greasy palms, crack rock in other hand, and of course, the ever classy Mardi Gras beads that simply scream class (and frat party) draped around every neck and shoved in every orifice.
I almost cried.
We finally managed to brave our way down the 14 blocks of inbreds to the restaurant.At last.
“We have reservations for 2 at 6:30”, I exclaim breathless and disoriented.The hostess seems shocked (not a good sign) and then calls over the manager (again, red flag) to seat us to which he turns to us and says “Ya mind climbing a few stairs?”
“Uhh ok.”
Side note:apparently “climbing a few stairs” is code for "I’m about to take you on an 8 minute trek through our attic and into our dry storage closet where no one else is seated because the space has been rented out for a PRIVATE SINGLES AWARENESS PARTY but we’ve thrown a few tables in the corner to make you and 3 other unlucky couples feel awkward and out of place so I hope you don’t mind but here’s your table and why are you sweating so profusely?”
He then ran off before we could protest.
Whatever, at this point I was just over it.The entire room had quieted when we walked in as the throngs of party INVITES (ie. NOT US) turned to see which one of their guests had just arrived.SURPRISE.We weren’t on the guest list but don’t mind us.We’re just gonna sit over here dead smack in the middle of your party and have us a romantic Valentine’s day dinner.Carry on.
I don’t know if there’s much else one can say about this disaster of a date.We sipped pounded copious amounts of wine to ease the awkwardness of the monstrosity that was our Valentine’s day but alas, nothing can completely drown out the screams, yells, whistles and cat calls of 30+ horny and highly inebriated singles in the same room as you.
The following day I woke up to a raging headache and some fuzzy memories of a night that left something to be desired.But I think we’ve learned our lesson.Next year we’ll just frequent our local flea market and likely get the same effect.
Ahh gotta love those self-inflicted, societal constructed and completely unrealistic expectations that embody the holidays.Nothing like it.
I woke up this morning and walked into the living room. I saw him sitting there next to it, sheepish and loving. A huge grin spread across my face and my eyes filled with tears. I am so blessed.
And then, our morning turned into a Jack Johnson song...except mine were heart shaped. :]
Not that anyone missed me because I’m sure everyone else has been similarly engrossed in holiday duties, obligations, and all-around misery. (I trick.) But really, who can honestly find time to post during such an excruciating onslaught of familial obligations, stress-laden expectations and the all-around suicide inducing stress that the holidays seem to exemplify?
Oh, everyone else? All of you found time to blog? Very well then. Thanks for making me look bad. Assholes.
As for me, I could channel my inner 12 year old and write this post diary style, chronologuing the every minutiae of each missed day but since that’s super lame and I most certainly am not, I’ll just give you the highlights.
And by highlights I mean brag about what I got for Christmas.
We’ll start with the Boo. Seeing as we didn’t exactly spend Christmas day together (more on that later) we did our gift exchanging a bit early. Now let me preface the revealing by saying this. The Boo was completely unaware of my conspiratorial abilities. After several conversations and sob-fests about my lack of money/job/creativity, I told him I would not be able to do anything for anyone this Christmas. I reassured him several times that because of this I would need nothing in return either.
(When in all actuality, every girl knows when they say “No please don’t get me anything” it really translates to “I won’t explicitly say what I’d like but I hope you’ve picked up on the open catalogues, magazines, web pages, and perfume samples I’ve left scattered around the house. [Discreetly of course, like on your pillow, in your wallet and the underside of the toilet lid.] And you sure as hell better take a hint and get me at least one if not all of those things or you’ll be paying for the next year. “ Ya know, something like that. Duh.)
Well, apparently the Boo really believed the first part without analyzing the text into true translation and had thus decided that a few small gifts would suffice. I wasn’t getting him anything so his little gifts would still be better than what I could offer and he’d come out on top.
Wrong-o.
He clearly has not been with me long enough if he doesn’t realize my completely neurotic and unrealistic propensity to spend money I don’t have to buy presents for people I love. What? I’m a giver. And as irrational as a characteristic as it may be (particularly in this instance) I highly doubt that it will change.
Long story short, two days before gift exchange comes and he has yet to buy me anything and on top of that discovers that I’ve not only spent money I wasn’t supposed to but lots of it.
So he rushed out and got me a 100 dollar gift card to here and a 50 dollar gift card to here and professed that they were lame and thoughtless but whatever, I love them nonetheless.
God forbid the man try and pick out any clothes for me on his own. That could have been catastrophic. Crisis averted.
But despite his best efforts to down play his gifts he did get me some kick ass stuff. Like this bag (except black), the Sex and the City movie (wahoo!!!), the Harijuku Lovers G perfume pictured below, and then the big one.
I got a gorgeous heart necklace from Swarovski. White gold chain with a large heart covered in tiny Swarovski crystals and a smaller heart inside the larger one with one big crystal in the center. (Hard to explain but gorgeous. I looked for a picture…mostly to see how much it cost, not just to show here…but to no avail. But trust me, he did great.)
He told me it was so I could have his heart with me always.
I cried. And fought the urge to quote Edward’s note to Bella ala “Eclipse”.
So needless to say he did good. And turns out, he missed me so much after one night apart, he haggled with the hotel companies and switched the rooms around, paid even more money and drove up to see me just before Christmas night was over. (Aww. Gag. I know. Sorry.)
The folks and little siblings did excellent in their gift choices as well. I got the cute new red shoes I wanted, a couple new shirts from an adorable Chicago boutique (thanks Britt), lots and lots of new Supermodel perfume, another new bag, Stepbrothers movie, lots of sweet ass books, stuff for the house, and of course, the water bottle I wanted. Plus more that I can’t remember. (Sorry guys.)
Suffice it to say that it was a good Christmas after all. Now it’s time to get ready for the big night out.
I’ve got a sexy new little black dress, hot new shoes, and an amazing man to kiss me at midnight. Here’s hoping this New Years is nothing like last years (and by “last years”, I mean, I hope I don’t end up cuffed in the back of squad car on the way downtown for an overnight stay….again.)
Sweet because I get to see my family who I haven’t seen in a long time.
Bitter because I’m leaving the Boo behind.
Sweet because it will finally be Christmas Eve and then Christmas day.
Bitter because the Boo won’t be there to share any of it.
I know I shouldn’t complain. I will see him shortly after and I’m sure my family will keep me more than occupied but still, I won’t feel complete with him gone. Cheesy, I know. But true.
So today the Boo and I did our own little Christmas. We sat under the tree and took pictures of each other with bows on our head and wrapping paper tents over the dogs. We laughed and cried and hugged and kissed and love poured through it all.
I won’t ruin the surprise now and tell you what he gave me. (I’d rather leave you in suspense for a few days longer.)
All I’ll say for now is that I have found one amazing man. His love is endless, his passion is infectious, and his selflessness is inspirational. I have been blessed with so much already and on top of it all, he comes bearing gifts. What could be better than that??
Now it’s time to clean up the remnants of our first Christmas, pack up my things and prepare for my long (4 hour) journey alone. I know it won’t be so bad. I have a loving family waiting for me when I get there and an amazing man following me two days later.
Just pray I don’t pull a teen movie inspired sob fest on the first few minutes on the road and wreck my car. That would SO be my luck.
**Also, I am pleased to inform you all that yours truly has achieved ultimate greatness in the form of a fantasy football league championship. That’s right. I defeated 12 men (including the Boo) and 1 girl through 16 weeks of rigorous competition to make it to the Super Bowl and WIN. As mentioned earlier, the three contenders I faced in the playoffs and the Super Bowl were the only three I lost to in regular season. And in a classic case of Karmic Retribution, I rose from the ashes to enact revenge on all three and reign victorious. I’d like to thank Baby Jesus and Phillip Rivers for carrying me through and aiding me in my quest for total domination. And now, behold my greatest life achievement (well, sort of). I give to you, the 2008 Tropical Bowl Fantasy Football League Champion…..ME!!! Oh yea, and the Boo got third. (Yay, Boo. But you’ll never be as good as me!! Kiss kiss. Love ya.)
In keeping with the season and in my constant pursuit to epitomize all things Oprah, I have compiled my own Favorite Things list.
(Don’t lie. We all know that hands down the greatest episode all year from Ms. Winfrey is her Favorite Things show in which she gives away houses and boats and million dollar body lotion to everyone in her audience. [Insert obvious Dane Cook joke here.])
I figured I’d make my own (except minus the whole fun of actually distributing them to a studio audience) and I tried to make sure the majority of them were either so cheap I could buy them for myself or so over the top that no one would ever think of buying them for me thus thwarting any attempt on the part of the Boo or my family to actually buy me a present. (MUAHAHAHA. Genius, I know.)
Let us commence.
Obviously I want this. Why? Because my old crusty Blackberry Pearl sucks the big one and I seriously crave all the cool apps and addictive little gadgets that you can add to it. Buy obviously, I’ll never get it because crusty T-Mobile doesn’t carry it and well, I just don’t have the money right now to break a contract, buy a 400 dollar phone and start a new plan. Damn you Steve Jobs for never letting me by satisfied.
This one sucks because the Boo actually used to have a Wii shortly before we started dating. But he never played it and sold it to a friend for 100 bones. Now, we both want it back but obviously that would require buying a whole new console and games which just seems so expensive considering there was already money spent on one. Too bad we’re not still 4 year old “Indian givers” who can just snatch back our gifts to others in a moment of reconsideration. Le sigh.
To go with aforementioned video game console. However, similar situation with this one. I actually owned one. My old roommate was a huge ball o douche and stole it. I refuse to spend money on yet another. But still I kick A at this game and want the chance to kick the Boo’s all over the place while he stands in awe of my serious skills. Ahh what a conundrum.
These are fabulous. Love, love, love them!! But obviously will probably never get them. I hate being poor. Ugh.
These would do as well. Or any other bright colored pointy toe shoes. Yellow, green, zebra striped. I love them all. I know their soo last season but I don’t care. I’m not the fashion major, my sister is.
Someone in our neighborhood recently stole ALL of my panties out of the dryer when they were being washed. Close to 40 of them to be exact. Gross I know. So now they obviously need to be replaced. Whack I know. Charlotte Russe would work as well since Victoria’s Secret tends to be pretty pricey. God I’ve turned cheap in my older years, huh?
DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you couldn’t guess this, you don’t know me at ALL.
This Camelbak Water Bottle is super cute and super cheap. I figure I should get a nice reusable one for my runs and workouts. You know, save the environment and all that jazz. (SIDE NOTE: We’ve recently switched to Brita to save on all those plastic bottles from bottled water and we’re totally digging it.)
Smelly good perfume. Love it. I can never have enough.
And of course lots of clothes, jewelry, and maybe a new car. The usual.
1. I am dreading Christmas. I have no money and my creativity seems to be zapped. I can’t seem to come up with anything to give anyone (and moreover, no money with which to get them anything.) SO obviously I am beyond stressed. I know it’s not about the money but the thought that counts, blah, blah. But I seriously have nothing, NOTHING to give. My family and the Boo deserve so much more than some lame ass homemade mixed cd or another “heartfelt” poem but the money is not there to spend. Actually, there’s literally no money there. So here in lies my problem. For the family and the boyfriend who deserve the world, how do I give them something to show my gratitude and love without being completely lame or uninventive and spending hardly any money?? I know it’s probably a shot in hell but any ideas would help.
2. By some miracle I managed to kick some serious ass all season long and finagle my way through my first playoff game in my fantasy football league. No really, look.
I’m the only girl left and I’m headed to the semi-finals. Where I have to go head to head against….the Boo. Yea, the tension in the house this week is palpable. Jokes. But really, I wanna kick his ass. He was one of my only 3 losses all year in my quest for total domination and I feel it’s only fair that I return the favor. Dontcha think?
3. Check this link. It made me laugh and you know you’re curious.
Hint: It involves Guidos and spray tans. Yea, you’re gonna look.
So yesterday was the big day and you may or may not remember that I had a huge undertaking to execute. Yea, I'm a little insane but did I pull it off? You bet your sweet ass I did. (Much thanks to the Boo who pitched in when I started losing it slightly. Kiss Kiss Love you!)
So here for your viewing pleasure, I present our Thanksgiving 2008 Photo diary.
Thanksgiving morning...yummy breakfast of homemade apple cinnamon muffins and coffee with peppermint mocha cream!! :]
Posing for a "cute" picture. (Little did I know, someone wasn't taking it so seriously!)
Take 2. Much better.
We finished the night with lots of snuggle time and even more cheesy Christmas movies (Home Alone, Click, and Christmas with the Kranks.)
I have to admit, I'm a little sad it's over already. But hey, it's never too early to start planning a Christmas/New Years feast!!! :]
I'm just a simple girl. Hopelessly disillusioned, incomparably dramatic, and largely cynical wading through a world of mediocrity in the hopes of finding something more and entertaining a few along the way.
